Duct Tape
by DiamondNinja914
Summary: Complications arise when Maka, Soul, and Blair realize that their new apartment has only one bathroom. Oneshot.


**Author's Note: All righty then. First things first: if you're reading this because you got one of those nifty emails saying "Author Alert: New Story from DiamondNinja914!", you should be warned that this little ficlet is NOT, repeat, NOT for the H.I.V.E. fandom. This is for Soul Eater. You can read it if you like, but know that, hey, this is not the fandom you're used to getting messages for.**

**Second: Hey, y'all! This is not my first fic, but it is my first for SE. Actually, no it isn't. I have two more saved on my computer that just need a little TLC before they get to go out in the world. EDIT: NEW STORY UP!**

**Third: This is somewhere in that hazy region between the manga and the anime. You know, between seasons one and three? Up to chapter thirty-ish? I prefer the anime, but you can understand regardless of which you enjoy.**

**Fourth: This is very fluffy, but it isn't a romance. Sorry. I still cover my eyes at kissing scenes in movies(and books). Yes, I am old enough to drive.**

**Fifth: Soul Eater is mine.**

**Sixth: No, not really. I guess you could say he belongs to one Meister Maka Albarn.**

One of the minor disadvantages of having a weapon of the opposite gender is that you don't get to stay in one of those fancy dorms that Shibusen offers. OK, no one really wants to stay there, I mean, just look at the poor girls who get robbed by Kim every other Thursday, but at least you don't have to pay rent.

Now, if you live in the city, the two hundred dollars-a-week allowance you're given is upped to three, and three fifty if you're part of the E.A.T. class, as you no longer wear the school uniform. But still, paying for a place to live can be tough, even with the extra money, because Death City is a big place, and staying in the heart of it is pretty pricey. More so the closer you get to the legendary school at the top of the rock.

Soul and I were lucky enough to find an apartment complex that offered a "Shibusen Discount". When we signed the papers, the owner actually expressed his gratitude for our service. It made our endless risk of life and limb feel worth it. Last month, two boys threw rocks through the nice landlord's window late one night, and when he looked out after them the only thing he saw was that they wore skull-shaped broaches where bowties would go.

He stopped offering the "Shibusen Discount."

When it got to the point that we had to choose between electricity and ramen noodles, we knew we had to leave the apartment we'd shared since age nine. Saying goodbye to the familiar walls was, well, a little tearful, but we stopped when we remembered our now disgusting former landlord's decision to essentially kick us out based on a stereotype.

I must blame it on the humans' apparently failing public education system.

Blair had said she'd found a suitable place for us a little closer to the edge of the city, but still near enough to the Academy to make it on time in the morning. The pictures looked nice enough, and the rent was pretty low, even with two bedrooms.

But when the three of us piled all of our crap into the place, we discovered something disastrous.

There was only one bathroom.

"Blair, when you talked to the lady, didn't you tell her there were three of us?" Soul called out, peering around the tiny washroom. It wasn't even a master bathroom, with a separate bathtub and shower or anything. It was just one sink, one toilet, and one stand-alone tub with a clean... ish spigot.

"Didn't catch that, sorry!" Came the squeaky reply from down the hall.

"Well... I guess it isn't that bad. I mean, Blair is just about never in the house, and she spends most nights in cat form on my bed or on the couch, so it's really just you and me," I told him, already mentally divvying up space on the very, very small counter.

Soul just nodded, and sighed.

"Ok. See this invisible line right here?" I asked later that day, when we were nearly finished unpacking. "This is your side, on this side of the invisible line, and my side is on the other. Get it?"

Soul raised a quizzical eyebrow at me.

"Do I need to bring Kid over here to get him to explain invisible lines of symmetry to you?"

"No. NO. Ok. This side. That side. Got it," he replied, slowly arranging his stuff(read: his 400-million-component hairband collection). I started taking out my things, just a small tin of rubber bands, a stick of deodorant, and a toothbrush.

"Your stuff is spilling over." I reminded him, already done but watching.

"Look. You have THREE THINGS. Ok? THREE. Plus, look. I'm done. There's my toothbrush. See?"

I peered at the counter. "You can put your stuff under the sink, you know." He raised his eyebrows in surprise and knelt to open the little doors to the cabinet. He methodically began transferring the hairband collection to the almost empty compartment. When he was finished, he noticed the one thing I had stored there.

"Is this yours?" He said accusingly, holding up a roll of black duct tape.

"Yes," I said firmly, and turned to walk away down the hall. He quickly caught up to me and shoved me into a sitting position on the couch, standing over me, still holding the roll of duct tape.

"Maka. Haven't we already talked about this?"

"Yes. And yet, it works. I'm sorry you can't understand that." I shoved past him to the kitchenette where I took out two packages of ramen noodles and poured water in it. He followed me. Again.

"Oh, really? I can't understand? Well, then- BLAIR!" He called, looking around for the little purple cat.

She bounded into the room, looking around. She jumped up onto the counter and sniffed the ramen I had just pulled out of the microwave, curling her tiny pink nose at the stench. She only liked the seafood kind. And even then, only when it was burnt. I will never understand.

"She's been using... _this _again," he said meaningfully to Blair, holding up the duct tape with a sad expression.

With a gasp, Blair turned into a tall, thin, VERY attractive older teenage girl with purple hair. "Maka! I thought we'd already talked about this!" She walked over and gathered me into her arms, resting her chin on the top of my head and unintentionally(I think) smushing my face into her boobs.

"Fhhleaughmee sho!" I said, struggling against her grip. She pushed me out to arm's length, gripping my shoulders.

"What?"

"I said, let me go," I muttered irritably. Soul was barely, barely suppressing a laugh. He covered his mouth with his hand so that he could grin, but it reached his eyes and I hit him over the head repeatedly with the complementary copy of the _Book of Excalibur _that we'd gotten during Hiro's little stint with the Holy Sword.

"Maka, stop." Blair caught my hands, knelt down in front of me so that she was a little above eye level, and pried the accursed volume from my fingers, leaving Soul to rub his head woefully. She picked up the fallen roll of duct tape and pushed me down into a sitting position in the kitchen floor, where she joined me in this little cross-legged party.

"This is not acceptable." I opened my mouth to object, but she covered my lips with her hand and kept going. "This is probably poisonous, you realize that, right?" I pointed to the words 'NON TOXIC' on the label. She sighed and continued. "All right, it might me non-toxic in small amounts, but I'm sure using it daily the way you are is... well... not recommended. Besides, this- Gosh, I have no way to describe... the... _sin_ that this is. You are totally destroying your image. Duct tape? You have to stop using this, nya?"

I pushed her hand off of my mouth. "Look, maybe you don't understand either, so I'm going to make this perfectly clear. I fight. I fight monsters. It's my JOB. And I take it seriously. So, in order to keep doing my job _correctly,_ I use duct tape. Ok?"

"Look," Soul began. "I bet you a hundred bucks Tsubaki doesn't use this crap."

"Soul, Tsubaki is a _weapon. _I am a _meister. _ Big difference," I said. Blair, exasperated, turned back into a cat and left. I heard the living room window close behind her. "And," I continued, glaring at my weapon, "I don't even know why you bother. We're not even the same _species._"

Soul jumped up and clutched at his hair. He relaxed, and his hands dropped. He looked at me with a pleading expression. "So what? I'm a sixteen-year-old boy. Please, you're _crushing_ my _dreams._"

"First of all, that awful attempt at puppy eyes is making me gag. Second, that dream comment- EEW!" I covered my face with my hands in repulsion. I picked up the _Book of Excalibur _ and raised it high. "Maka...-" Soul ran out of the kitchen, down the hallway, and into his room, shutting the door behind him. I lowered the book, returned to my own quarters, and shut the door, lying down on top of my bed, missing the view I used to have. I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. Soul stopped outside my room.

He started lecturing in a stern voice that reminded me of the Grim Reaper in his confrontation with Asura after the Anniversary Party. It was a little scary. "A: Don't give my that lazy 'We're different species' comment because B: That didn't stop your parents, now did it? C: You have to quit hitting people. Especially me. And D: as I think this is a suitable letter for this point-"

"Soul," I warned.

"Let me finish!"

I sighed. Soul completed the final letter in his rant.

"DUCT TAPE IS NOT A SUITABLE REPLACEMENT FOR A BRA!"

**Fin.**

** All righty then. I wrote this as a bit of a tester, to see if my taste reflects anyone in this fandom's. I've read many other stories for SE, but such a large portion of them are... sexual. I wonder if I would have a place here. If you think I should write more for Soul Eater, say so in your review!**

**EDIT: Ok, posted another story, so yes, I am still writing for SE. But reviews are like duct tape. They hold the world together.**


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